Friday, June 12, 2015

Goblins of the Great War Camp

Our Hackmaster games have been on and off this year.  We've had a few more adventures in Aldsburg - mostly urban business dealing with a new Tower and a gang called the Flamblades and hilariously miserably failed sewer exploration.

The last time we got together, though, there were only 3 of us ... so I proposed that we play a game of Goblin Quest which I helped kickstart.  It was totally worthwhile.

The Great Warcamp
When the 7th age began the realms of Marlgor began to succumb to a terrible threat.  A band of dire and inscrutable wizards had grown a city-camp where they did nothing but prepare for war.  Here in the far wasted north on the shores of the ship-devouring The Claw, our goblins came forth from the slime pits and, with little more than bravado and a complete inability to understand exactly how screwed they were, set off on a Goblin Quest!

The Goblin Clutches
Slopface - one giant eye, experts in looking spooky, dreams of being a beauty queen, armed with the Impressive Bow of Impressiveness
Ruptured Condom - big hands, experts in slapping, dreams of becoming arm wrestling champ, arned with the Empty Bananananana Skin of Humiliation
Bleak-pook - no survival instinct, experts at annoying wizards, dreams of being the first goblin wizard, and armed with the Totally Not Dead Magical Familiar That's Definitely Not a Parrot.

Our Goblin Quest!
Bake an Orc Cobbler and Eat it to Gain AWESOME POWER.  Everyone knows orcs are tough guys, and making a desert out of one and eating it is totally a great and delicious way to get tough. 

Task 1: "Blend" a Moonchild (progeny of the Dark Moon Goddess)
     Stage 1: Find the Dark and Mysterious Woods Full of Sharp Things that Go Straight For the Eyes
     Stage 2: Capture the Moonchild (who probably isn't a giant slug)
     Stage 3: Get the Moonchild to a suitable Crypt

Task 2: Prepare an Orc
     Stage 1: Get an Orc to follow us to the Crypt
     Stage 2: Slather Orc with "blended" Moonchild
     Stage 3: Get the Orc into a coffin

Task 3: Follow Recipe and Chow Down and Get AWESOME POWER
     Stage 1: Find the recipe
     Stage 2: Follow the recipe
     Stage 3: Eat the Orc Cobbler, get AWESOME POWER

  • Tricked a Hobgoblin into giving us directions to the DM Woods FSTGSFTE
  • Indiana Jones style launching over brambles
  • Moonchild licking delicious goblin blood
  • Attacked by Magpies
  • Death by magpie, death by stabbing, death by wizardy stuff, sacrificed head
  • Demand Cryptlord helps ... and it does ... kind of
  • Sexy goblin eaten by orcs
  • Word tattoos appear on goblin bodies ... they are not good
  • Magic charm (chicken bone) eaten by orcs
  • Death by slapping
  • Running from a band of enraged orcs
  • The "charmed" orc eats another goblin
  • Goblin arm wrestles an orc, death by arm being ripped off
  • Skateboarded into orc causing orc to be covered in blended moonchild goo
  • Wizard Staff with a Knob on the End opens coffin
  • Orc, now slippery with goo, falls into coffin and knocked out
  • Off to the the Dunn Inn to find a bugbear chef
  • Bugbear helps us because it is funny
  • Bugbear stabs us, dog bites us, bugbear taunts but tells us a "recipe"
  • Sudden goblin realization of our places in the Order of the World
  • Makes us want to gain AWESOME POWER even more so
  • Death by booze immolation, but orc cooking in coffin
  • Coffin on fire, booze on fire, orc on fire
  • Taco the Goblin that smelled like Taco Bell dies eating Orc Cobbler
  • Death by lightning
  • Death by summoning a demon
  • Death by drowning on Orc Cobbler
Those that survive gain the AWESOME POWER of EXTREME INDIGESTION!

Legends Whispered Around the Goblin Camp for Like  A Week
Sluggo the Goblin rides forever with the Goblin King
The Bleakpook clutch familiar passes power to all who gaze upon it
Ruptured Condom clutch beat an Orc at Arm Wrestling ... becoming Champion of Life
Fizzik was the first True Goblin Wizard who summon lightning
The demon goblin Ix haunts the slimepits ... beware young goblins!

Slopface clutch
  Blokko - bugbear stabbing
  Licko - devoured by orcs for being too sexy
  Sluggo - immolated by booze
  Taco - death by tasting Orc Cobbler

Ruptured Condom clutch
  Blix - death by magpie
  Nix - slapped by an orc
  Bix - arm wrestled to death
  Ix - death by demonic cauldron

Bleak-pook clutch
  (unnamed) - chomped by a ghoul
  Zot - devoured by an orc
  Fizzik - stewed in the stew

All in All
What a damn fun game!  This isn't normally the type of thing we do, but it was a blast.  I can't wait to play it again.  Thanks, Grant Howitt, for being awesome and writing a sweet game.  When I get home (I'm travelling for worth at the moment) I'll scan in soem of our sweet goblin drawings.